2014 in Review

Hey! Guess what a pregnant lady does on New Year's Eve? If you guessed "lets her kid stay up late watching Netflix, eating chips and sausage dip and blogging" you are correct! Let's make this year's post count a solid 50.

So, in lieu of the usual year-in-review survey I've completed in the past I'm going to do a quick bulleted-type list review. With pictures - of course - always with pictures. This will be difficult for me to keep my wordiness in check. You people know I'm wordy. Okay, so 2014. Here goes.

1/16/14 - Pregnant!

1/18/14 - Not pregnant. Chemical pregnancy.

1/18/14 - 1/20/14 - My child is potty trained in three days! Yah!

2/14/14 - You'd think I'd say something about Valentine's Day. But no. Decorated my foyer.

 

2/15/14 - Pregnant again!

3/20/14 - Confirmed miscarriage. This makes #4.

3/28/14 - Camping at Dreher Island for the weekend.

4/10/14 - Interview for a new job much closer to home!

4/12/14 - Leave for Daytona for a week's vacation.

4/14/14 - Turn 32 years old and celebrate with my family at the beach.

4/24/14 - Charleston, SC for a few days.

4/27/14 - Family pictures

5/6/14 - First ever broken bone - my baby toe!

5/15/14 - Second interview for new job. And yes, I squeezed that broken toe into heels and hobbled my way into the interview.

5/25/14 - Hosted a fun little Memorial Day cookout at our house.

5/29/14 - I got the job! And with its acceptance, we officially put any efforts in trying for baby #2 on hold.

6/13/14 - Last day at my old job. I was there for 7 years. Don't miss the commute but do miss a lot of the people.

6/14/14 - Take off with John, Charley and my parents for a 10 day trip to Chicago and Michigan.

6/21/14 - Attend our only wedding of the year which was the reason for the trip in Petoskey, MI. It was for my old coworker Katie whom I hadn't seen in a few years! (Sure, that post is about a different coworker but Katie and I were in cahoots for all of that so it's appropriate to link that up!)

6/24/14 - Start my new job.

7/4/14 - Spend the day at the lake, but it's just not the same as it used to be. Come home early and take Charley to fireworks instead.

 

8/15/14 - Still NOT trying to get pregnant while at a new job and all. So naturally:

8/16/14 - Camping at Foothills Family Campground.

8/28/14 - Charley starts preschool.

8/29/14 - Camping at Dan Nicholas Park for Labor Day weekend.

9/4/14 - Charley turns 3!

9/6/14 - Charley's birthday party & the cake I'll never be able to top.

9/11/14 - Finally good news at an ultrasound. Baby measured perfectly and is healthy.

9/19/14 - Hilton Head Island for the weekend.

10/11/14 - Camping in Myrtle Beach, SC for a long weekend.

10/31/14 - Halloween!

 

11/2/14 - It's a girl!

11/25/14 - Anatomy scan & she's a HEALTHY girl. Hallelujah.

12/8/14 - John turns 33.

December - holiday stuff. Craft shows, parades, craft day, Christmas parties, Polar Express, Christmas, etc.

12/31/14 - It's 11:30 p.m. I didn't think I'd make it this late. Charley's asleep, John's asleep and I'm blogging. It's been a good year even though there were some really obvious low points. Hoping for an even better 2015!

FIFTY NINE WEEKS

11 weeks with the first missed miscarriage in April 2010.

13 weeks with Charley.

11 weeks with a missed miscarriage in October 2013.

4 weeks with a chemical pregnancy in January 2014.

8 weeks with a missed miscarriage in March 2013.

And 12 weeks so far with a HEALTHY PREGNANCY here in October 2014.

For a grand (depressing) total of FIFTY NINE WEEKS. That's how much time I've spent in the first trimester in my life, and I hope that this next week is the LAST week I'll ever spend in a first trimester. I may have considered more than two children earlier in my life, but I am stating right now that I don't have it in me to TRY to get to this point ever again. It's been a nightmare which looks like it may finally end up with a happy ending.

This first trimester has been pretty awful for me. I know it's no where near as bad as some have it, but the morn-after-ning sickness and puking and exhaustion and inability to eat for so long has gotten old. Most have told me it's a good thing to be sick; that maybe that means a healthy pregnancy this time. But on the flip side I was lucky enough to be sick with each and every pregnancy whether they turned out healthy or not. So yeah. Fun times over here.

Enough with the depressing part though. I THINK I'm finally ready to put the skepticism and negativity behind me. A successful 12 week appointment yesterday where I heard a solid heartbeat of 158 has inched me closer to the believer's camp and out of the skeptic's camp. It is such a change of pace for me, who is usually Mrs. Positivity to an annoying degree, to have a hard time accepting congratulations and the excitement of the friends and family that we've told. I just couldn't believe that this was really going to happen this time. I'm so used to it not happening. It looks like this is happening though on or around April 22nd, 2015. Whoa.

So, that should explain some things. 1, why this poor blog has gone dormant for the past 6 weeks. For one, I couldn't talk about the thing on the forefront of my mind so it made it difficult to talk about anything else. Also, I usually do my blogging in the evenings and with only a desktop at home (because Lord knows I'm not using the Blogger app on the iPad. Just no.) and with the desire to only be in the laying-down position in the evenings, that wasn't happening. Last night was the first night in a couple months that I didn't a) go to bed at 9 something and b) need to be laying down for the entirety of the evening. I uploaded some long overdue pictures to Facebook and did some laundry and packed for a weekend trip. It was amazing to be a productive member of my household again. (I can see John laughing and rolling his eyes that I included uploading pictures to Facebook as part of productivity.)

It should also explain (one of the reasons) why Charley's birthday party was so scaled down this year in terms of guests. I just really wasn't sure how much I'd be able to get done so I didn't want the added pressure of feeling like crap and trying to get things done if I had guests coming over. My family doesn't count - they would have showed up with boxes of Bojangles chicken and a decorated grocery store cake and ate it at a dirty kitchen table if I'd asked. Luckily I was able to do some party prep so that turned out okay. I'm sure removing the pressure of extra guests helped me relax and get things done too.

This also explains why the gallery wall project is STILL not complete. Frames are painted and hung, but most remain empty of art. As soon as that second trimester burst of energy hits I'm on it!

It explains why a box of Kraft Mac n Cheese has been the entirety of my dinner quite a few times over the last few weeks.

Explains why I had to button my cardigan all the way to the top on this day where a very red smoothie violently came back up and splashed on me at work. Wahhhh. That was the last smoothie I've had too.

Also, I DO have a new job and will not meet the 1 year requirement for FMLA coverage when this baby is born. That was NOT in our plan, but you know how plans go. All this trouble to get pregnant and stay pregnant when we were trying and then we try NOT to try and boom. Healthy baby. Ultimately, my plan was to stay at my old job and take advantage of their good maternity leave policy for baby #2, and leave some time after that. But after that last miscarriage in March I decided to scrap that plan and get out of there and figure out the "plan" as I went. New job doesn't have as good of a maternity leave plan but the overall happiness factor makes up for it. I'm so much happier at my new job that we will figure it all out as we go. 

I was going to wait until the anatomy scan to share the news so I'd hopefully have a baby bump picture to share as well, but we all know how much of an oversharer I am. I have lost 7 pounds so far and am still wearing my regular clothes that still button up so no bump to speak of. (which, if I'm being honest, does make me paranoid too that something's not right. Why am I not bloated yet!? And yes, that does sound as ridiculous to me as I'm sure it does to you.) 

We will be finding out the sex of the baby and since the doctor's office was going to make us wait until mid-December, we took things into our own hands and scheduled an elective ultrasound for November 2nd. That's only twenty three days!! TWENTY THREE DAYS! Holy moly canoli!

I'm really feeling girl, John wants a girl, and Charley is adamant about wanting a sister (with no prompting from either of us, I swear!) Having sisters is so special to me (not that my brother isn't special, but it's just a different (and still wonderful!) relationship) so that's the main reason I want Charley to have one, but of course we will be thrilled with whatever this baby is. And you know how crazy I am about this specific Chinese Gender chart, and it also says girl. So, naturally, I'm sure this is a boy.

Anyways, what else could I possibly share? I know I've left stuff out because I've been writing this post in my head for WEEKS and it was much longer in my head. Ask questions! I am just so happy to talk about it now. And I'll take all the hopes and prayers that this pregnancy continues to be a healthy one and my paranoia subsides. I could really use any and all of those.

Thanks for still checking in on me! I've missed it around here!

Everyone Has A Thing

Had I been able to write this post as I laid in bed last Thursday night when the thoughts were flooding my brain, it may have been a lot better. The thoughts more real, the emotion more raw, the sentiment more clear. But I did not type it up then. I just let the thoughts roll over, and over, and over in my mind as I could not drift off to sleep. Anesthesia seems to have an insomnia effect on me.

We'll get to that in a minute.

Everyone has a thing. It's not a thing anyone WANTS and those that have more than one thing are even less fortunate. But we all have a thing that just flat out sucks and it's beyond any of our control. The thing makes you bitter with others that don't have this same thing, makes you say negative things about those that just don't understand your thing, and it can be all-consuming if you let the thing control you. Hell, sometimes you don't have to LET it, it just does. I will say in my case I have been able to keep my thing from controlling my thoughts and general mood. My thing only resurfaces as I let myself think about it - or as it happens again and again.

One person's thing could be that their child refuses to sleep at night, or wakes up multiple times in the night. I know several friends where this is the one thing that is controlling their lives right now. This thing does have the power to control aspects of their lives because sleep deprivation is a very real thing and it's a physical thing beyond their control. I know people with this thing have resented me (unintentionally) for not understanding their thing. I do not have this thing.

Another person's thing could be financial stress. Due to medical bills, every day living expenses, or a multitude of other things, financial stress can easily be a thing. I think the majority of us have had this one at one point or another in our lives and so we can usually relate when this is someone's main thing. But some people will never be able to shake this thing and I really feel for those people as well. Currently, this is not my thing.

Developmental or medical problems with one's children can easily be a thing as well. This is another one that you absolutely had no control over and it's a struggle to find others who understand your thing, and you could easily harbor resentment towards those that don't have a clue about your thing. You don't want to resent others that are excited about their children who aren't experiencing the same things as your child, but you do. It's understandable with your thing. This is also not my thing.

Family drama could be your thing and you could have a hard time seeing close families together. I don't have this thing either.

A poor childhood could encompass a number of things, none of which are my thing either.

Basically, from the outside looking in I must not have it so bad. Charley is a pretty great & easy kid and my family is happy and everything seems to go right for me.

But my thing is something that is very rarely talked about. It makes people uncomfortable. No one shares about this thing. I get both sides - I don't love to share about it either because you inevitably get advice that you did not seek and it could very well not help at all. But I do share about it because it's just my nature. I'd rather get things out then hold them in. It's a coping mechanism for me. Anyways, my thing as it turns out is this: recurrent miscarriages.

I just had my 4th miscarriage (the 3rd one in just 6 months) last Thursday after a very normal pregnancy thus far. This one came as a bit of a shock to me as I really let myself believe this one was okay - which I had stopped just shy of doing with the others. The first miscarriage was prior to Charley, and as you know we went on to have a perfect and darling baby girl after it. Had I not had her, the daunting number of FOUR in front of the even more daunting word 'miscarriages' would be a lot more devastating. She does make it better, but she doesn't make my thing go away.

But if one were to look at my Facebook page or scroll through my blog they could easily be annoyed with how perfect my life seems to be. It's easy to harbor resentment when someone seemingly has none of the things that you are struggling with. But, just know that everyone has a thing and a lot of times that thing bubbles right underneath the surface where you can't really see it.

So anyways, this may not be news to you. I absent-mindedly included both Preggie Pop candies AND surgery discharge instructions in my last post, on top of mentioning miscarriage a time or two before. From here, we wait and wait and wait. And I try not to remind myself that I could've had a baby in May, and then September, and then October of this year had my thing gone differently. Those are the things that really get into my head.

My new doctor's office (which I love and is way better than the last) is running some testing and all, but 50% of the time they find nothing conclusive. We just have to wait and see. I want to say I am confident we will have another child one day and then my thing may be a thing of the past (maybe to give way for a new thing to take it's place) but it's hard to say. How can you have confidence when none of it seems to be in your control? How do you cope with your thing? How do you control those feelings of resentment and bitterness?

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(This is just for those who may be more curious about my actual history. Feel free to email me if so.)

I have had three missed miscarriages and one chemical pregnancy. All three missed miscarriages were discovered at the 8 week ultrasound with a fetus that wasn't measuring as big as it should (the fetus measured right at 6 and a half weeks each time, coincidentally). I took Cytotec for one of the missed miscarriages, and had a D&E for the other two. I debated posting a pro/con for each of those choices since I've been through both, but haven't yet done that and not sure if my regular blog readers are the appropriate audience for that. If that's what you are looking for - email me. I will answer any questions you may have. I know I had TONS of them myself.

They are doing testing after this last miscarriage. I don't know how I feel about this yet and what it might mean if they do/don't find anything, and will revisit this once we get results.

Each time (except the chemical pregnancy) I have told people that I am pregnant and have had to un-tell. Not large scale announcements or anything, but close friends and family. I am grateful that they knew. They can really make the recovery so much easier.

2013

Happy New Year! Here's what you've been waiting for: the obligatory year-in-review blog. (Here's 2009 & 2012...I'm not very consistent with these, huh?) Because subjecting you to reading about the last year of my life as it was happening on the blog wasn't enough. You must read it again. In survey form.

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?

 Purchased a home in my name. The first home was in John's name.

 2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

 I did! I made none, so I was able to keep them all! Yay me! I'll do the same for this year. I love getting all A's!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

It seems like there were babies everywhere this year. Mostly blog and online-turned-real-life friends.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thank goodness, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

Stayed in the U.S. this year. But I did my best to travel around my corner of the U.S.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you didn't have in 2013?

A successful pregnancy.

7. What dates from 2013 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

I don't think there are any MUST REMEMBER dates.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Umm, a continuation of raising the sweetest little girl ever? She's pretty special, and I'll take it upon myself to take some of the credit for her.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Keeping up with friendships. I have really great intentions of keeping in touch with friends, and I never follow through. I hope my friends know I love them anyways, and I'll continue to work on it in 2014.

Umm, this was my answer last year. I just changed the 2013 to 2014. Obviously I didn't work on this very well.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing crazy. A cold or two.

11. What was the best thing you bought?



12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Everyone around me was equally well behaved, so we can all celebrate together.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Did I ever tell the story about the ultrasound technician at my last ultrasound when we confirmed the miscarriage? I don't think I did. Basically, she laughed out loud when I told her the reason for the second ultrasound, that I didn't agree with the dating on the first one and thought there was likely something wrong. Honestly, she scoffed out loud and went on to tell me how many people thought they knew their dates and were off due to this and that and blah blah blah. Anyways, she then fired up the ultrasound machine and said, Oh. You're right. But I never got much apology for her laughing at me when I was already pretty upset about the possibility of my second miscarriage. Way to kick someone while they are down. And yes, definitely changing practices after that, among other reasons. So, Ms. Ultrasound Tech lady made me appalled and depressed.

(The other part of the story is that I tried to explain to her HOW I knew the dates weren't possible because of how early on I took the pregnancy tests so that maybe she wouldn't be so insensitive to someone else in the future and her response was "Oh. I don't know anything about pregnancy tests." Good grief.)

14. Where did most your money go?

Mortgage of course. But if we're just talking about shopping I am 99% certain that I spent the most money on twice.com. I spent $629.70 on that website over the year. But even more exciting, I saved $348.55 with a lot of referral credits and also with coupon codes. My wardrobe got a major makeover this year!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Christmas! Having a child that got it this year made me so incredibly excited!

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

You see, the problem with this question is that it assumes you listen to new music and keep up with the times. While I do listen to new music sometimes because the morning show I listen is on a top 40 station, I don't listen often enough to have a 2013 favorite so to speak. So, nothing.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Happier/Sadder: Hmm. I think the second baby thing is the only thing holding me back from being happier. It's just leaving me a little less content than I normally am, so I don't know if I can say I'm as happy. But I'm not sad either.

Fatter. Ugh.

Richer: Yes! John's company takes good care of him and he got another nice raise this year. My company gave out raises too which will be completely wiped out when the 2014 health plan premiums kick in. Yay for feeling appreciated!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Camping. We used our camper just a few times this year. Want to do more camping in 2014.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Candy crush. Finally deleted that time sucker and am better because of it.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

It was our first Christmas in our new house so we hosted Christmas Eve for my family, then had my parents come up to see Charley open her Santa gifts Christmas morning, and then went to their house later in the morning to exchange gifts with the family. Basically, same as usual minus a couple small changes.

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?

Nope.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Holy crap I'm about to change this one up for the first time. It's NOT a reality show. John and I finally got into a show we both like only about 6 years later than the rest of the country. We are waiting on season 5 to show up on Netflix so we can continue our obsession. The show: DEXTER. I cannot even fathom watching that show live and having to wait a WEEK between episodes. We just flew through 4 seasons in a few weeks. And seasons 5-8 get added to Netflix TOMORROW and we are both off of work. Too bad it's not a family friendly show or we'd have a marathon.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hates a very strong word and I stand by not hating anyone. I did develop very harsh feelings for a lady that sold kitchen gadgets...

24. What was the best book you read?

Can you see this link? It lists the books I read in 2013. Or at least the ones I remembered to list on that site. I think I rated all of those books either 4 or 5 stars so I liked them all. But, don't ask for a synopsis on any of them because I can't remember a thing about any of them.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

 I just realized I published this with a big fat blank right here. Apparently I was thinking something would come to me and I'd come back and list it. Nothing has come to me as of yet...

26. What did you want and get?

I wanted a chair for my office. My parents got me that chair for my office.

27. What did you want and not get?

I really want a new lens for  my camera and haven't got that yet. It's pretty pricey, so....

28. What was your favorite film of 2013?  

I went to the movies exactly zero times this year.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 31 this year, and according to the pictures from around that time frame, I went out to a local bar and had a few drinks with friends. Man! That must have been fun!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More vacations! Therefore, more time off!

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2013?

Second-hand chic.

32. What kept you sane?

I have a pretty great family. From my own little family of John and Charley, to my immediate family. They definitely keep me sane.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm not often stirred by political issues. I have my side, think the other side is crazy and that's that.

34. Who did you miss?

All my Blathering buddies. Hoping to make it to the Blathering 2014.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

Met another of my online friends this year, Natalie, and she was just as great as I thought she'd be. Also, a new coworker Kelli was pretty great too.


36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.

No.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

No.

Keeping You Hanging

Sorry to keep you all hanging on a few things I've mentioned lately. Let's catch you up.

First and foremost, it was just as I had suspected. I'm okay, honestly. I was pretty grumpy over the two week limbo period and I don't think I even realized how grumpy I was until the appointment was over yesterday. And even though the news wasn't good, it was exactly what I expected and it was AN ANSWER. And oh my goodness the relief I've felt since yesterday afternoon is unbelievable. I almost feel bad for feeling so much happier.

All of a sudden I feel like if I was an innocent suspect or victim in a major crime and the media was judging me by my behavior after the crime, the media would not believe I was innocent at all. You know those types? Like Amanda Knox and the California girl that was kidnapped. I think people are surprised and maybe even a little uncomfortable with how I'm dealing with it. I can't help it though. I mean, it sucks, obviously, since we do want another baby. But it's life. And we are healthy and will hopefully have the chance to try again. And if it's meant to be it will be. This little baby just wasn't the one.

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Secondly, here's the latest with the Pampered Chef issue. John met up with the consultant that following day and she actually did show up and give him a very small percentage of the products that were ordered. I have pretty much figured out what she did too.

So, two of my guests were actually charged through Pampered Chef and amazingly, everything they ordered was in the bag the consultant gave us. One of those two guests requested a receipt for her order which said her order was placed under someone else's party, meaning, I didn't even get credit for those two guest's orders even though I had the party and I bought the food and I invited them, etc. No fault of their own of course.

Anyways, the rest of my guests (minus one) all had the Paypal charge which our banks took care of for us. Shockingly, a few items were also in that bag from Robin which we feel a little bit guilty about since we didn't pay for them due to the Paypal disputes. I think there were 5 items TOTAL that we got. ONE of those items: those steak knives I coveted. I do feel bad, but damn it, I shouldn't right?

The last guest I'm still trying to figure out. She paid with check which the consultant cashed. She got none of her items so I'm TRYING to work with Pampered Chef to get those items to her, but I have YET to talk to Pampered Chef again. It's constant phone tag, they refuse to email, and won't give me a direct line to call back (and I rarely have 25 minutes to sit on hold while I wait to be transferred from department to department to find the lady that's supposed to be handling all of this). So, I'm still very frustrated with it all. I am most likely just going to buy those items my guest purchased and send them to her myself since I feel so awful about it. I'm giving Pampered Chef one more week, and I think that's being very generous.

You know what though? Those steak knives are pretty amazing. Sucks that I can't endorse the company that makes them at the moment. Make it right, Pampered Chef!

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I showed you a desk from Pinterest that I liked and was trying to mimic. It's finished, but I don't love it.



See, it's too solid. I was expecting much less solidness and much more rusticness. But between my communication and John's follow through that got lost. He used primer underneath which made the diamonds very solid. I've tried to sand them down some (see that top left diamond) but its not working too well. And if I try to sand the whole thing, the finish on the wood diamonds would be sanded too. So I've just been stuck looking at it like this and wondering how I could fix it. I have no ideas yet.

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TV-less is going awesome. We seriously were just throwing money away every month. We have yet to subscribe to any other subscription service besides the free Netflix trial we still have and have yet to feel the need to. John will start watching Walking Dead which starts back this Sunday by buying the individual episodes the next day from Amazon and watching them a day behind. I have had zero issues watching Amazing Race and Survivor on their regular network channels which are broadcast for FREE. If I happened to miss them, I could watch them the next day on CBS.com, so I don't really even miss the DVR. It's amazing. I just wish I knew where that extra money was going each month. Crazy how you can cut down on a bill and not even really see a difference.

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We still haven't purchased a new light fixture for our breakfast area which means the one the builder placed there is still hanging in the totally wrong spot. I was eyeing one on the Pottery Barn website for a while, but I just checked on it this week to see if it had miraculously gone on major clearance and the darn thing is gone. If anyone sees one at a Pottery Barn outlet or something I would be forever grateful.

 

 

 

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I think that's about it, right? Anything else I've mentioned but never came back to update you on? 

Just Listen

I may be having another miscarriage. I'm in limbo for two weeks while I wait to see if it's true or not.

Oh yeah, I'm pregnant. By my calculations I was 7 weeks and 2 days at my doctor's appointment on Wednesday. By the doctor's calculation (based on an ultrasound) the baby is measuring 6 weeks and 1 day. I know 8 days doesn't sound like a big difference and I could Google and read a thousand stories of people saying their dates were off and blah blah blah and now they have a healthy 6 year old or whatever. I don't care to read stories like that because I know my story, and the facts just don't add up.

Here they are.

John and I were trying to get pregnant. I used a ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor which gives me my most fertile days with a 99% accuracy rating. The days with a peak rating were August 18 & 19.

I took a pregnancy test on Thursday, August 29 and saw a very slight line.

And then took another test the next day that didn't require as much squinting.

We told my parents and siblings that same day. We'd been through this before (once with not so great results, once with perfect results and her name is Charley) and I knew no matter what I'd want them to know whichever way this went. 

I scheduled my first doctor's appointment for September 25 and I was happy. I felt like crap, was tired all of the time, but happy. Whatever happened with my first miscarriage wouldn't happen again. I'd had a healthy pregnancy since then and kicked my body into shape. My body knew what to do this time.

September 25

The ultrasound technician had me climb up on the table. I had to pee like crazy due to chugging water before I came - I'd had a hard time drinking water so far this pregnancy. She had me pull me shirt up and pants down a bit, and she squirted the warm goo on my belly. "WOW! Your bladder is so full!" she said. Baby was too squished to see with a bladder that full so she had me wipe off the goo and go pee. 

I came back, got back up on the table. More goo. "Ugh! You have a retroverted uterus! I can't see anything. We'll have to do it the other way instead" the technician told me. Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Guess I should have mentioned it. Wiped the goo off a second time while she got the transvaginal ultrasound ready. 

She then said "Hope this isn't a sign of things to come!" And I laughed "yeah me too". 

Take three. Not even two seconds into the ultrasound "Oh wow that's a small baby. You definitely are not 8 weeks." No, I wasn't. I was 7 weeks and 2 days by my calculations. But then she measured that little blob. 6 weeks 1 day. I immediately said "That's not good."

The technician tried to explain pregnancy dating to me like I was clueless about my body. "You are two weeks pregnant at ovulation, we count from the first day of your LMP, blah blah blah." I knew this. I tuned her out and tried to do the math in my head. It just wasn't adding up. If I had ovulated 8 days after I thought I did, I was in NYC and John was in Bristol, TN. We weren't even together 8 days later. She found the heart beating. 102 beats per minute. Gave me my new due date of May 20th instead of the May 12th I had in the back of my head.

Moved on to see the doctor. Before she comes in John and I argue over whether or not we just received bad news. I say it is. He says it isn't; be positive; wait for the doctor. I am normally a very positive person - to the point of annoyance - but it just couldn't be. No one was listening to me.

We tell the doctor what we know. There's no way that I would have gotten a positive pregnancy test that soon if the baby was in fact conceived 8 days later than we thought. That would put me at 2 weeks 2 days pregnant when I got the positive test instead of the 3 weeks and 3 days that I thought I was. The earliest you can possibly get a positive test would be 3 weeks 1 or 2 days. Based on the size of the baby and the day I got that positive test I just know it's impossible. The doctor smiles and says "yeah..." 

She changes the subject and the appointment goes on. The doctor tells me all about the new hospital they are now delivering at, about the frequency of appointments throughout the pregnancy and so on and so on. I've semi-tuned her out. No one is listening to me. Why are they all still so hopeful? I didn't go to medical school but I can read a calendar and do simple math. 

No matter who I tell, no one seems to want to listen to me tell them how it just can't be. I get sick of talking about it. I put it at the back of my mind. I wish to see blood on the toilet paper, after 6 weeks of wishing to not see blood. I want this baby out so I can move on and try again. I feel guilty for these thoughts. What if there is some small chance that this baby is viable and I just had these awful thoughts about it? 

The average person has no idea about pregnancy dating and ovulation dating etc. I don't hold it against them, but it does make me irrationally angry when they just don't get it when I try to explain it. It's like math to me. I honestly just can NOT understand when people don't understand math. It's so logical it just doesn't make sense to me that people don't get it. It's a good thing I didn't become a teacher.

And now we wait. October 10th I'll go back for another ultrasound to see if the baby has grown or not. My first miscarriage was a missed miscarriage where, for whatever reason, the baby just stops growing. But your body doesn't recognize that and often times it takes medical intervention to empty your uterus. That baby also stopped growing at 6 weeks and also still had a heartbeat at it's first appointment. It seems eerily familiar, but at the same time, I also want to be clueless like everyone else and forget about the math and logic of it all. I want to be wrong. I do.

So that's where I'm at. It feels good to just write it out. It feels like I finally got someone to listen to me.

The Un-tell

Well, we knew this was a possibility when we elected to tell so early. So now, the un-tell.

(This is hard to write, but not for the reason you are thinking. I have a hard time saying anything serious, so don't hold it against me if I am witty or heaven forbid I say a joke or two here and there. I'm not being insensitive to the issue, it's just my personality and the way we choose to deal with things.)

We are very disappointed, but we will not be expecting a baby this December any longer. Baby was fed up with the growing process and stopped at about 6 weeks & 1 day. I don't blame him; growing is hard work and not all of us are cut out to do it! Baby is still very much attached to me though, as I'm pretty attached to the thought of "baby" as well. Baby should be moving out sometime soon, either naturally or with the help of some 'scripts from the pharmacy.

Like I said before, we are both disappointed, but at the same time we had a feeling something wasn't right. When I mentioned that there was some confusion over the timing, we had been to our first ultrasound appointment which should have been an eight week appointment. But baby only measured six weeks. There was a possibility that my female workings took a two week vacation that month and I was just behind, but I am a strict boss and don't give 2 week vacations so that just didn't seem right to me.

But, we kept our hopes up just in case and waited 2 additional weeks for the next appointment, which was today - just 2 hours ago actually. This ultrasound showed the exact same thing as last time, so then we knew. Baby wasn't meant to be this time.

I know this is something that is typically private and dealt with between just family, but, if you know me at all you know that secrets are not my thing. And internalizing things isn't my thing either. So since I shared the good news, it's only fair to share the bad.

Don't be afraid to mention it to me or struggle with finding the right words to say - we're okay, really! We'll just try again when we're ready! And this time, I have a handy-dandy calendar to use to my advantage...and we'll try to cook up a girl-type next time! Which, according to calculations looks like July, August or October. Perhaps?? We'll see!

So now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Which, I think I can safely mention now without anyone calling DSS on me for preventative action...

...Did you know that these sweet little precious babies grow up into children that need parenting and guidance?! While I was all for the babyness of it all, that other stuff was not appealing to me at all so I can almost breathe a sigh of relief. Those kid-creatures are no joke!