Friday, September 27, 2013

Just Listen

I may be having another miscarriage. I'm in limbo for two weeks while I wait to see if it's true or not.

Oh yeah, I'm pregnant. By my calculations I was 7 weeks and 2 days at my doctor's appointment on Wednesday. By the doctor's calculation (based on an ultrasound) the baby is measuring 6 weeks and 1 day. I know 8 days doesn't sound like a big difference and I could Google and read a thousand stories of people saying their dates were off and blah blah blah and now they have a healthy 6 year old or whatever. I don't care to read stories like that because I know my story, and the facts just don't add up.

Here they are.

John and I were trying to get pregnant. I used a ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor which gives me my most fertile days with a 99% accuracy rating. The days with a peak rating were August 18 & 19.

I took a pregnancy test on Thursday, August 29 and saw a very slight line.


And then took another test the next day that didn't require as much squinting.


We told my parents and siblings that same day. We'd been through this before (once with not so great results, once with perfect results and her name is Charley) and I knew no matter what I'd want them to know whichever way this went. 

I scheduled my first doctor's appointment for September 25 and I was happy. I felt like crap, was tired all of the time, but happy. Whatever happened with my first miscarriage wouldn't happen again. I'd had a healthy pregnancy since then and kicked my body into shape. My body knew what to do this time.

September 25
The ultrasound technician had me climb up on the table. I had to pee like crazy due to chugging water before I came - I'd had a hard time drinking water so far this pregnancy. She had me pull me shirt up and pants down a bit, and she squirted the warm goo on my belly. "WOW! Your bladder is so full!" she said. Baby was too squished to see with a bladder that full so she had me wipe off the goo and go pee. 

I came back, got back up on the table. More goo. "Ugh! You have a retroverted uterus! I can't see anything. We'll have to do it the other way instead" the technician told me. Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Guess I should have mentioned it. Wiped the goo off a second time while she got the transvaginal ultrasound ready. 

She then said "Hope this isn't a sign of things to come!" And I laughed "yeah me too". 

Take three. Not even two seconds into the ultrasound "Oh wow that's a small baby. You definitely are not 8 weeks." No, I wasn't. I was 7 weeks and 2 days by my calculations. But then she measured that little blob. 6 weeks 1 day. I immediately said "That's not good."

The technician tried to explain pregnancy dating to me like I was clueless about my body. "You are two weeks pregnant at ovulation, we count from the first day of your LMP, blah blah blah." I knew this. I tuned her out and tried to do the math in my head. It just wasn't adding up. If I had ovulated 8 days after I thought I did, I was in NYC and John was in Bristol, TN. We weren't even together 8 days later. She found the heart beating. 102 beats per minute. Gave me my new due date of May 20th instead of the May 12th I had in the back of my head.

Moved on to see the doctor. Before she comes in John and I argue over whether or not we just received bad news. I say it is. He says it isn't; be positive; wait for the doctor. I am normally a very positive person - to the point of annoyance - but it just couldn't be. No one was listening to me.

We tell the doctor what we know. There's no way that I would have gotten a positive pregnancy test that soon if the baby was in fact conceived 8 days later than we thought. That would put me at 2 weeks 2 days pregnant when I got the positive test instead of the 3 weeks and 3 days that I thought I was. The earliest you can possibly get a positive test would be 3 weeks 1 or 2 days. Based on the size of the baby and the day I got that positive test I just know it's impossible. The doctor smiles and says "yeah..." 

She changes the subject and the appointment goes on. The doctor tells me all about the new hospital they are now delivering at, about the frequency of appointments throughout the pregnancy and so on and so on. I've semi-tuned her out. No one is listening to me. Why are they all still so hopeful? I didn't go to medical school but I can read a calendar and do simple math. 

No matter who I tell, no one seems to want to listen to me tell them how it just can't be. I get sick of talking about it. I put it at the back of my mind. I wish to see blood on the toilet paper, after 6 weeks of wishing to not see blood. I want this baby out so I can move on and try again. I feel guilty for these thoughts. What if there is some small chance that this baby is viable and I just had these awful thoughts about it? 

The average person has no idea about pregnancy dating and ovulation dating etc. I don't hold it against them, but it does make me irrationally angry when they just don't get it when I try to explain it. It's like math to me. I honestly just can NOT understand when people don't understand math. It's so logical it just doesn't make sense to me that people don't get it. It's a good thing I didn't become a teacher.

And now we wait. October 10th I'll go back for another ultrasound to see if the baby has grown or not. My first miscarriage was a missed miscarriage where, for whatever reason, the baby just stops growing. But your body doesn't recognize that and often times it takes medical intervention to empty your uterus. That baby also stopped growing at 6 weeks and also still had a heartbeat at it's first appointment. It seems eerily familiar, but at the same time, I also want to be clueless like everyone else and forget about the math and logic of it all. I want to be wrong. I do.

So that's where I'm at. It feels good to just write it out. It feels like I finally got someone to listen to me.


Jess said...

Oh, Lacey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. The uncertainty of early pregnancy, especially after a loss, is such a crazy and emotional place to be in. I hope that you get some answers soon. Sending hugs your way!

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry, Lacey. I don't understand why doctors think this stuff is so hard to understand for women. Pregnancy dating is math! You know what you're doing!

Natalie said...

I'm sorry you are going through this Lacey. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

The Beane's said...

I get it. You guys are in my prayers. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

Erica said...

So sorry.

april said...

I hope you're wrong, but I'll be here listening either way. Hugs.

Alison Garen said...

I hope you are wrong but I'm so sorry you are going through this.

diana bowers said...

I don't think doctors like smart patients. :/

Laura Diniwilk said...

Just now reading this, not sure how I missed that you wrote about it. You know I'm here for you no matter what. I HATE that feeling when the doctor isn't listening. Do you remember that I argued about my due date with Lucia the whole pregnancy? It was wrong in the other direction, she was measuring big, but it was still frustrating. This has to be both frustrating and scary and sad and a million other emotions. Ugh. I hope you know I will listen any time you want to talk.

Samantha Bookwalter said...

I know this post is very old, but your story is strikingly similar to mine. I know an absurd amount about ovulation, irregular cycles, luteal phases, etc simply because it took my husband and I so long to get pregnant the first time. Do research for a year and a half, and you are bound to learn a thing or two. No one would listen to me either even when I knew full well what was happening to my body. I know you don't know me, but I'm so sorry this happened to you.