Had I been able to write this post as I laid in bed last Thursday night when the thoughts were flooding my brain, it may have been a lot better. The thoughts more real, the emotion more raw, the sentiment more clear. But I did not type it up then. I just let the thoughts roll over, and over, and over in my mind as I could not drift off to sleep. Anesthesia seems to have an insomnia effect on me.
We'll get to that in a minute.
Everyone has a thing. It's not a thing anyone WANTS and those that have more than one thing are even less fortunate. But we all have a thing that just flat out sucks and it's beyond any of our control. The thing makes you bitter with others that don't have this same thing, makes you say negative things about those that just don't understand your thing, and it can be all-consuming if you let the thing control you. Hell, sometimes you don't have to LET it, it just does. I will say in my case I have been able to keep my thing from controlling my thoughts and general mood. My thing only resurfaces as I let myself think about it - or as it happens again and again.
One person's thing could be that their child refuses to sleep at night, or wakes up multiple times in the night. I know several friends where this is the one thing that is controlling their lives right now. This thing does have the power to control aspects of their lives because sleep deprivation is a very real thing and it's a physical thing beyond their control. I know people with this thing have resented me (unintentionally) for not understanding their thing. I do not have this thing.
Another person's thing could be financial stress. Due to medical bills, every day living expenses, or a multitude of other things, financial stress can easily be a thing. I think the majority of us have had this one at one point or another in our lives and so we can usually relate when this is someone's main thing. But some people will never be able to shake this thing and I really feel for those people as well. Currently, this is not my thing.
Developmental or medical problems with one's children can easily be a thing as well. This is another one that you absolutely had no control over and it's a struggle to find others who understand your thing, and you could easily harbor resentment towards those that don't have a clue about your thing. You don't want to resent others that are excited about their children who aren't experiencing the same things as your child, but you do. It's understandable with your thing. This is also not my thing.
Family drama could be your thing and you could have a hard time seeing close families together. I don't have this thing either.
A poor childhood could encompass a number of things, none of which are my thing either.
Basically, from the outside looking in I must not have it so bad. Charley is a pretty great & easy kid and my family is happy and everything seems to go right for me.
But my thing is something that is very rarely talked about. It makes people uncomfortable. No one shares about this thing. I get both sides - I don't love to share about it either because you inevitably get advice that you did not seek and it could very well not help at all. But I do share about it because it's just my nature. I'd rather get things out then hold them in. It's a coping mechanism for me. Anyways, my thing as it turns out is this: recurrent miscarriages.
I just had my 4th miscarriage (the 3rd one in just 6 months) last Thursday after a very normal pregnancy thus far. This one came as a bit of a shock to me as I really let myself believe this one was okay - which I had stopped just shy of doing with the others. The first miscarriage was prior to Charley, and as you know we went on to have a perfect and darling baby girl after it. Had I not had her, the daunting number of FOUR in front of the even more daunting word 'miscarriages' would be a lot more devastating. She does make it better, but she doesn't make my thing go away.
But if one were to look at my Facebook page or scroll through my blog they could easily be annoyed with how perfect my life seems to be. It's easy to harbor resentment when someone seemingly has none of the things that you are struggling with. But, just know that everyone has a thing and a lot of times that thing bubbles right underneath the surface where you can't really see it.
So anyways, this may not be news to you. I absent-mindedly included both Preggie Pop candies AND surgery discharge instructions in my last post, on top of mentioning miscarriage a time or two before. From here, we wait and wait and wait. And I try not to remind myself that I could've had a baby in May, and then September, and then October of this year had my thing gone differently. Those are the things that really get into my head.
My new doctor's office (which I love and is way better than the last) is running some testing and all, but 50% of the time they find nothing conclusive. We just have to wait and see. I want to say I am confident we will have another child one day and then my thing may be a thing of the past (maybe to give way for a new thing to take it's place) but it's hard to say. How can you have confidence when none of it seems to be in your control? How do you cope with your thing? How do you control those feelings of resentment and bitterness?
(This is just for those who may be more curious about my actual history. Feel free to email me if so.)
I have had three missed miscarriages and one chemical pregnancy. All three missed miscarriages were discovered at the 8 week ultrasound with a fetus that wasn't measuring as big as it should (the fetus measured right at 6 and a half weeks each time, coincidentally). I took Cytotec for one of the missed miscarriages, and had a D&E for the other two. I debated posting a pro/con for each of those choices since I've been through both, but haven't yet done that and not sure if my regular blog readers are the appropriate audience for that. If that's what you are looking for - email me. I will answer any questions you may have. I know I had TONS of them myself.
They are doing testing after this last miscarriage. I don't know how I feel about this yet and what it might mean if they do/don't find anything, and will revisit this once we get results.
Each time (except the chemical pregnancy) I have told people that I am pregnant and have had to un-tell. Not large scale announcements or anything, but close friends and family. I am grateful that they knew. They can really make the recovery so much easier.