One Year Later

It's been one full year since the start of chemotherapy.  

This year I'm SO enjoying the beautiful early fall weather. I have a hard time picking which season is my favorite between spring and fall but I seem to enjoy the same things between each of them: 

• Windows-down weather
• Less bitey bugs
• Jeans or shorts - both are comfortable
• Boat rides or festivals - your choice! Or both!
• Trees are doing things
• (I feel like I was reaching with that last one so maybe I should go ahead and end this list.)

I've enjoyed several decades of fall weather in my lifetime. In fact, there's only ONE fall season in my life that I didn't enjoy. So explain to me why the memory of that one fall season (last year) literally makes me feel nauseous every time I go outside and enjoy the fall weather right now? 

Within seconds of me going outside, feeling that perfect air temperature and feeling the dopamine starting to hit, the nausea comes too. Like "hey! Remember last fall! Remember how one year ago today you were laying in the bed, ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE, while your husband and kids cried in the garage? Let's think of that instead!" No! 

Other things that bring on the nausea: pulling into the oncologist's parking lot (at least this one makes sense), seeing pictures of last fall (again, makes sense), thinking about one afternoon last year where John and I sat outside because I was feeling a bit better and he made me a fire in the fire pit and I admired the leaves (WHY must a sweet memory bring on the naus?).

Maybe those memories are having to get creative with how they bubble back up to the top because I have done a really good job at moving-the-eff-on. I don't think of it every day anymore. I don't HAVE to think of it. My body works differently, but it works and I still have no regrets there. And it honestly feels sort of like I imagined it all at times. It seemed to be over and done with so quickly. It didn't feel like that during, of course, but ultimately it's just a blip in the grand scheme of things. A horrible blip. I don't want to dwell on those memories. I am living to create new memories. 

You know how on old VHS tapes you'd record your favorite show, and then you could record over it again? But then a few seconds of the show that was on the tape initially may pop up in between the first thing on the tape and the next thing you record on the tape because you didn't start to record in exactly the right spot? (Gen Z - just skip this paragraph, just like you pressed skip on your CD or DVD. We didn't have that new-fangled technology then!) That's kind of what it's like. I'm overwriting those awful memories with good ones but occasionally in between making one good memory and the next good memory, a few seconds those bad ones sneak in. 

CT scans (I'm doing those quarterly this first year) have been good. I say good and not great because that second one did give me a bit of a scare, but the third one confirmed there was nothing at all to be afraid of. This last one was perfect - still no evidence of disease. Next one is in November.

I am struggling with my hair. I get told pretty often how much people like my curls. The compliments are coming from a nice place, I'm not complaining about that. But I don't like it, and then I feel the need to tell whomever that is giving me a compliment that I don't like it which makes it seem like I can't accept a compliment. Why can't I just say thanks and move along? 

It's not even that I think it looks bad, it just wasn't my choice. I also am desperate to be able to DO my hair. For 6 solid months, my only choice for how to do my hair is to put in a headband. It's unruly on the sides of my head if there's not a headband to help hold it down. It is straight up comical the couple of times I tried to straighten it to see what I was working with. Yesterday I did try one of those zig zag headbands and that was ok. I used to love those things when they were popular the first time around. Ironically at that time I had a perm. Chosen curls > Chemo Curls

I did read that a lot of people's chemo curls stop right around 10 months from the end of chemo, which is where I'm at! ANNNNYY day now it's just going to start to be straight, I just know it!

So I'm doing good. I want to start updating here and NOT talk about that elephant any longer. Just because I like to write and I constantly have things swirling around in my head that I want to share. Really important things, thought provoking and insightful. Such as, can we please stop using the phrase photo dump? 💩 

I Can

Today was a good day. 

It was one of those first winter days that give you a glimpse of spring. Just being outside gives you that feeling of a refresh happening soon, and never in my life has the word refresh rang so true for me. 

I saw the first buds of the year on my Forsythia shrub.

Charley had an awards program at school and was given a couple of awards that reminded me not only how proud I am of her academics, but also, this was an awards ceremony for 2nd quarter. Literally the entire time that our home life was kind of a mess with me being sick. Essentially a one parent home where things were just chaotic and not our norm. And my girl killed it in spite of all of that. That speaks higher to me than the academic achievements.

(They didn't do awards ceremonies for Laney's grade, but she's killing it too!)

The girls asked to go to their school playground after I got off of work, and I said yes. I am more prone to "yes" these days. I wanted to go exercise downstairs in our gym, but I changed it up last second so I could say yes. 

I did a Peloton outdoor walking class around the playground as they played (essentially just listening to the instructor & music on headphones while you do an outdoor walk) and the music was so good, and I added a couple of new tunes to my music library too. 

The girls and I then went out for dinner after the playground and we went to a local pizza place that we never really consider and it was delicious! And inexpensive! 

Then we went and got Crumbl cookies. 

And now I'm back home where I hear John downstairs in the basement sewing upholstery for our boat. He's so talented and I can't wait to reap the rewards of his hard work on this boat renovation when it gets warmer. 

Today I am oozing happy. 

And to be honest, that's kind of my norm again. 

I am doing almost everything I could do before. The list of things I can't do is easier to share than the list of things I can do. 

I can't: do my favorite kind of workouts (core work - apparently when they rearrange your organs it may take a bit to fully heal), and I can't get up and get moving in the mornings like I'd like. I'm at least awake when the girls are getting ready for school so I can bark orders from the bed, but I don't have the energy (yet) to get up and help them get ready. They get up on their own, get ready on their own, and John handles breakfast, packing snacks, and walking them to the bus stop. 

But what CAN I do? 

I can exercise in all of the other ways. I LOVE having that back.

I can go wherever I want with no wig! I finally got the nerve to ditch it at work a week and a half ago. For some reason that was the hardest place for me. But I've chucked that wig in my closet and haven't looked back.

I can beat a cold! I noticed I was starting to come down with a cold last Thursday and I was dreading how much it was going to take me out. But, I felt bad Friday evening and then I bounced right back the very next day. So happy to have my immune system back.

I can work full time in the office. I thought I'd need to ease back into things, but January isn't really a time for any "easing" in the accounting world. But I didn't overdo it or force it. I just did whatever I could, and turned out that I could just work a full week again. 

I can make plans, and boy have I been planning. After cancelling so much last year, I didn't bother planning things for this year because I really had no idea when I'd be back to myself. As soon as I could tell that feeling good was here to stay, I started booking things. We are currently at 9 vacations booked for 2023 (several are just little weekenders) and there are still a couple more to go. 

I can let the girls have friends over again. Their friends' parents were so wonderful during everything last year and often invited them over to their houses and would even pick them up and drop them back off for me. It's been so nice to meet a couple of their new friends from their classes this year and finally  have them over. 

I can hug friends again. 

I can enjoy our hot tub. The hot tub was a project that started my very first week of chemo so I never really got to use it. And then after surgery I couldn't submerge my wounds in water until everything had healed. So finally it's nice to be able to put the girls to bed and go out for a soak and some tunes in the evenings with John. 

I can be happy. I can be healthy & strong. I can LIVE. So grateful for this life. 

A Doozy of a Year

So many things have happened this last month and there's no way to tie it all up nicely with a bow. So instead I'm going to jump all over the place with these updates. 

I don't have a bladder any longer. It's permanent. I'll have an urostomy bag on my abdomen to collect urine forever. It wasn't my only choice (there were two other equally shitty options) but it was the best choice for me. As weird as it has been to get used to, I have not regretted my decision at all. 

Surgery was hard. REALLY HARD. It was 7 or so hours with all these robotic arms and such. The hospital bed was angled down, with my head at the low part. I didn't have a full hysterectomy as was the plan at one point. A 5 night stay in the hospital before coming home, then a solid 3 weeks of serious pain before moving on to less-serious-pain. Could be a full year before I'm back to myself. I think I'm ready to hop on the treadmill for a walk any day now. I've missed physical activity so much. But not being able to even slightly twist or bend kind of makes that tough.

I was SO DONE with the hospital stay. I was actually pretty comfortable in the actual bed. Well, as comfortable as I could be given the fact that my insides had just been rearranged. But I was done with people. Most were very nice. But I didn't want to talk to anyone any more. I didn't want to say what my pain level was. I didn't want to pick what I wanted to order for lunch. I definitely didn't want to have my vitals checked or to tell one more person whether or not I had pooped. I get it - all of that had to be done so they knew I was ok. But I was way people-d out. 

Sleeping has been a challenge. I have a night drainage bag which is bigger than the day bag. But that means I'm attached to a tube all night long. It can get twisted. It relies on gravity to drain properly, so I can move in such a way that prohibits draining. I can accidentally pull on it while sleeping which pulls the adhesive on my stomach which feels just like ripping off a band aid. Add to it that everything on the inside is still tender too, so you can imagine how that feels. At first I could ONLY sleep on my back and propped up on many pillows (which is probably why I didn't mind the hospital bed.) I am starting to be able to handle short bouts on one side, but lately I've been moving to the recliner about halfway through the night. Sleep is the answer though. Every good day seems to follow a good night of sleep. 

I've gone into work a couple of times. That feels good because that feels normal. Working from home is still a lot easier for me because comfortable clothing feels best. I mean, it feels best all of the time but I guess I need it more these days. These next few weeks are the busiest of the year for me so I'm about to see how much I can truly handle. I'm not going to overdo it, don't worry. 

My hair is growing back! Finally! 

But, my head is still so cold. I wear a hat or the hood of my jacket practically at all times. Even when sleeping. The only time it's not cold is when I'm ridiculously hot because of stupid hot flashes. They've been going on for months. I thought it was chemo hot flashes which I read was a thing, but then they've continued on and I know chemo is out of my body at this point. Then I read that chemo can bring on temporary (or sometimes even permanent) menopause so I assume that's what it is. But it's so annoying. I take my jacket off and put it back on 700 times a day and night. And my hat. And socks. Misery.

I had to buy a belt to help hold the bag up. Imagine using Band Aids to stick a water balloon onto your stomach. Your stomach that is sore from a recent surgery, even. I was having to hold it up while walking around, so I finally forked over the $115 for a belt. It helps so much. 

I can drive. I can drink. I don't do both at the same time.

I'm not on any medications. Tylenol if I am feeling pain, but haven't needed that for a week or so. 

My appetite is normal. I got so used to just eating whatever I could stomach that I probably need to reign that in a bit. I have had so many Ensures though. They're pretty good! I only have a couple left and probably won't buy more, but I lived off of those these last couple of months. 

That's all I can think of at the moment for updates on how things have been going for me. I'm good! That's the best part. I can finally picture how things WILL be normal again and at times I really struggled seeing that.

This year has been a doozy. I'm so sick of saying that. I can't wait for a non doozy of a year.

Happy New Year!

It's Done

Today I am 45 days post chemo, 11 days post radical cystectomy, and I've been recovering at home for the last 6 days. I am less one organ and 12 lymph nodes since the last time I updated here, and I still have no hair. BUT! I have results.

My bladder and 12 lymph nodes were removed and sent to pathology to dissect and determine how well I responded to chemo. I was diagnosed either stage 2 or stage 3 bladder cancer. The difference being stage 3 is lymph node involvement and they couldn't be sure based on scans alone if the cancer had spread to lymph nodes. 

Pathology showed that some of the removed lymph nodes had scarring, indicating that they were in fact previously infected with cancer. Damn it. That means I was stage 3, and the cancer had escaped the bladder which was not what we wanted to hear. 

But, the good news is that there is no cancer remaining in any of the lymph nodes that were removed. Some had previously been affected, but chemo did its job and killed any cancer cells there. 

For my actual bladder: "No residual carcinoma status post neoadjuvant chemotherapy". I'll just take the words right from the report on this one. Can I give you a definition of each of those medical terms? No, not necessarily, but context clues (well, and a phone call with the surgeon that put things in layman's terms) tell me that THERE IS NO MORE CANCER REMAINING. "All margins negative for invasive tumor." This is best case scenario. 

I am thrilled with this news. I am. I did it, I got past this crap. I am as cancer free as I'll ever be and I hope to remain this way FOREVER. 

I have several drafts that I started writing and never finished over these last 45 days, but none of that matters anymore! I may feel the urge to come back and publish some of that so I'll have it documented, but for now this is all that matters. I'm cancer free, I'm past chemo, I'm past surgery and I'm starting to figure out my new normal. I should be able to celebrate a normal, beautiful Christmas with my beautiful girls and husband. I literally cannot ask for anything else right now. 

We did it. 

Phase 1 Complete!

TODAY WAS MY LAST DAY OF CHEMO. I've got to get through the side effect portion now, but I can handle that. I'm hoping for just fatigue. I feel confident in my ability to handle naps.

I haven't updated on how round 3 went. That's because it went so awfully. Lemme 'splain.

To remind you, my schedule is this: 

Week 1 - chemo on days 1 and 2, an injection on day 3, and then we manage side effects for the rest of that week.

Week 2 is a recovery week. Still may be handling a few side effects at the beginning of that week, but feeling back to normal-ish by the end of that week. However, week 2 is when I'm most immune compromised. 

That's NOT how round 3 went. It was going along swimmingly. My energy levels were low, but nausea was at bay. By the weekend I just needed extra naps. Felt off, but what else do you expect after pumping bags and bags of drugs into my body? Week 2 came around, and I puked. My first chemo puke actually. An acquaintance that I've been speaking with that's also been through this same treatment let me know that each round gets a little worse, so I immediately assumed that was the fun side effect we were going to add on this round. 

And then I kept puking. It happened on a day that John was working IN the office too. Of course, right? He's been home with me for 90% of this if not more, and this one day I start throwing up. And then kept throwing up. It was ugly. Violent, fast-moving vomit. Over and over and over.

The next morning, I was great! I was shocked how well I felt when I woke up. I remember even talking on the phone to someone before I had officially sat up in bed and telling them I was scared to sit up because I wasn't expecting to feel good already and I just knew sitting up was going to start it all over again. But it didn't. I ate normal all day! I made it through!

Not so fast. That night, I started again. All of that normal eating from the day was in the toilet. John helped me get through it, got me settled into bed by 9:00, and told me he was going to watch a movie in the living room. You know how on Netflix before you select a show it plays random previews of other shows? Well, that's how far he made it before Laney puked. On her carpet. As I lay in bed across the house, I could hear the Netflix preview on a loop intermixed with the sound of John gagging as he cleaned up puke from her carpet. I felt so bad, in a lot of ways.

THAT'S when we realized what we were dealing with. It wasn't chemo puke at all. It was a stomach bug. And once we realized that, we remembered that both Laney and Charley had random pukes the week before too. And everything was all spaced perfectly 3 days apart. DUH. How long have we been parents now? I swear every time either kid gets sick I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing still. 

I messaged my oncologist and let him know. You know how you can get fluids to get over a hangover faster? I was like Ooh! Maybe my condition will warrant something like that so I can get through this faster. But no. There's nothing they could do for this unless I was dehydrated. Just get through it. He did say if we needed to push back the next week's chemo we could. That was all the motivation I needed to get through this crap and not get sick again.

Well, motivation alone wasn't enough to keep me well, unfortunately. Stupid weak body. Even after getting through that round that Laney and I had simultaneously (I don't think John slept much at all that night between running back and forth between Laney and I), a couple days later I started it all AGAIN. We (well, John) did so much freaking bedding laundry last week and wiped down so many surfaces. I was just so fragile we could not seem to get past it. Seriously, it was SO BAD. 

Recovery week ended up being recovery day. I felt great on Sunday only. And then Monday started chemo round 4. 

For the next month, I get to be normal again. I honestly have not left the house in 2 months other than doctor appointments. My doctor didn't tell me that I needed to do that, but I wanted to give myself the best chance of having no delays and knocking this out in the 8 weeks as was scheduled. Even a cold could have caused delays. So for all 8 weeks I stayed in my germ-free home where my children never brought home gross bacteria or viruses. Heh.

While this whole thing isn't over as the surgery piece of it is still upcoming, I feel so relieved and happy to check this part off. I'm so grateful that my body was so strong and healthy going into this. I am still so amazed that while all of this SUCKS and ISN'T FAIR, it happened at a point in my life where I was my strongest ever. For the last two years I've made exercise a regular and enjoyable part of my life. That was never me before. My initial goal was for vanity reasons, but then I just liked getting stronger and the happiness it brought me. I know it's played a part in helping me weather this as well as I have and I can't wait to ease some back into my life.

I'm happy to have a place to write down these thoughts as they are fresh in my mind in case I ever want to torcher myself in the future and remember what all this was like. I thought that my kids would also like to remember how they felt during this part of things so I asked them each a few questions. 

(Charley is 11, Laney is 7)

How did you feel when I told you I had cancer?

C: Worried. A little bit worried. Because of Aunt Christy and because it’s usually a really serious thing.

L: Um, horrible. I was thinking that something really bad was going to happen or that you were going to get sick and you wouldn’t be able to handle it.

 

Did you have any idea before I told you?

C: No. Not at all.

L: Nope.

 

What has it been like these last two months while I’ve been on chemo?

C: Stressful. Because we all kept getting sick and we couldn’t get you sick or you’d have to reschedule chemo.

L: Horrible. I just like hate how you had to get the stomach bug THREE times.

 

How has Daddy done?

C: I will say, the first few weeks he let out all his emotions on us. Sad, he was crying. During the first week of chemo while you were in bed all 3 of us were crying in the garage and he was talking about how serious things were. I was shocked to see him crying. (I didn't know any of that.)

He’s taken care of the family, made sure the house was still running, and he was pretty generous too. He let us have fun while he took care of a lot of stuff. And he paid us for doing chores.

L: GREAT. Like, the best ever. He cleaned up after us, cleaning the toilets, all that. He’s just helped a lot.

 

Have you told your friends?

C: Some of them. I tell them you have cancer, didn’t go into details. I told them I might be emotional at times because of that and they said they’d support me.

L: Um, I’ve told one. I told her my mom’s going through cancer and she can’t get sick and that she has this weird lump in her throat. (I got that from throwing up so many freaking times)

 

What will you always remember about this time?

C: The day you told us probably.

L: The stomach bugs. (I laughed) I’m not kidding, it was SO BAD.

 

How do you think Mama did?

C: Great. You pushed through. You were brave.

L: Ummm, good. The thing that was good was with all the shots, handling everything and stuff.

 

What surprised you about all of this?

C: You committing to be bald. I thought you’d hold onto it but you just shaved it.

L: That you were getting cancer. Like, how did you even get cancer? It surprised me a lot that you didn’t even DO anything to get this.

 

Did you think I would ever get cancer?

C: No. You were usually healthy and you never smoked or anything. You were really healthy, I don’t know what happened.

L: NO. You wore your mask all the time, you listen to the rules at the stores so you didn’t get sick.

 

What do you think about me being bald?

C: Um, it doesn’t look bad on you. I liked you with hair better but it doesn’t look bad. I got used to it the day it happened.

L: I’ve gotten used to it, but I was very scared at the beginning.

 

Round 2 & Lies

I'm rounding up and saying I'm 50% done with this crap. Although, that's kind of lying to myself. I have 8 weeks of chemo - 1 week on, 1 week off - 4 cycles through. So that last week is an "off" week, but since there is no week to follow I'm not counting that week as part of this. And so, since I just finished an "on" week, my 2nd round of 4, I'm halfway through. Let's not even get started on the fact that I still have a major surgery coming up after it all too. Halfway there. Lying is fun.

This round was way different from the first. My doctor told me they would all be pretty similar symptom wise. He also lied to me. Lots of lying going on these days.

Honestly though, the main reason this one was different is because of medications. My doctor wasn't satisfied with just not-vomiting-but-also-not-leaving-the-bed-for-days so he wanted to improve upon that this time. He gave me a new nausea med to add to the regimen. This one would probably freak me out should I Google it. It's also prescribed for psychosis. Cool. BUT. It did make a difference this round. Take that for what it's worth.

The other thing that I messed up with round 1 was my other two nausea meds. One was a drowsy, one was a non-drowsy. Guess who had them mixed up during round 1 for the first few days? Could have explained that inability to get out of bed. Whoops.

Regardless. This round was way better. I felt human-ish. I still had a rough day (yesterday) but 1 rough day is better than 3. 

This round did bring the hair loss though. I have really thick hair. Even though my doctors told me that I'm absolutely going to lose my hair because of the dose-dense aspect of my chemo regimen, I didn't buy it completely. They were lying. My hair is thick. It will probably just thin a lot. Well, it did thin. And thin. And thin. Think GIANT HANDFULLS OF HAIR every single time I even touched it. Changing t-shirts every hour because I was covered in hair falling out. You couldn't see any bald spots at all. I still honestly looked normal. But I couldn't take it any more so we buzzed it this morning. The doctors didn't lie after all. I was absolutely going to lose my hair because losing my mind (from the hair all over me and every surface of my home) was the other option and I didn't feel like going there. 

I cried over it. I hid from several people that came by earlier today. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for a wig or a hat. I just wanted to hide in my room so that's what I did. But then after a couple of hours I hid behind a hat, makeup and earrings and I felt better. I even showed my freshly buzzed head to both a neighbor and a friend that stopped by this afternoon. I'm not to the show-it-to-everyone-on-the-internet level yet, but I'll get there. Lie to me and tell me I'm pretty when I get there. 

All in all, I'm ok. I'm trucking along. I am excited for an "off" week which makes me feel somewhat normal again, the weather has been great & I have been blown away at the support our circle has given us. SERIOUSLY - thank you. Blown away doesn't begin to describe it. 

The girls are ok. We all have our moments and we are working through them together and we will be an even stronger family on the other side of this crap. They are showing how responsible and independent they can be, but I'm looking forward to taking some of that back soon and letting them just be kids for a while longer. It's like we're getting a little early glimpse that says "yep, we're doing okay by them." They are the best little girls, and that's no lie.

<3

Lacey

PS - did you know that picture above was sort of a "remake" of this one from years earlier? Only this time I didn't forget to dress Laney. 

Chemotherapy - Would Not Recommend

Week 1 (and now a bit of week 2) are behind me. This one week has felt like a month, or longer. It's. Been. Rough.

My chemo regimen seems simple enough in theory. Maybe that's the reason I underestimated it. I go for three days in a row - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - of week 1. Chemo on both Monday and Tuesday and a White Cell booster injection on Wednesday. Then, I've got the rest of week 1 and all of week 2 to recover. I'll repeat that cycle 4 times. As long as I stay healthy and on track, I can be through with this part in 8 weeks. Sounds way easier than it is, unfortunately.

It was a little like planning a big trip. Typically when you are planning a big trip - let's say a trip through Europe - you plan well in advance. Start simply - dates, hotels, flights - and start filling in the details as you go. I typically do lots of research before trips like this. What do we want to see while we are there? Let me read other's trip reports and get something cool and off the beaten path to check out, make a list of restaurants to choose from ahead of time, have an organized binder at the ready so we don't waste any of our precious trip time doing any of this stuff that could have been done ahead of time. 

And apply that tactic to this. A major life change. I'm visiting some place I've never been and it wasn't even on my bucket list. I had no ideas in my head of what I wanted to see or where I would go, it was just dropped on me out of the blue. And as I'm boarding the flight I tell myself that I've got this nice long flight over the Atlantic before I get there, I can surely catch up and do my research and planning on the way. It's late, but I still have time. Who needs sleep!?

But I am exhausted on the flight. I start to read, but it is information overload. I'm no travel agent, & I don't even understand what some of this travel jargon means. I have friends and family members that were more familiar with this trip so they are throwing advice my way too, but it. is. too. much. I'm overwhelmed. I retreat. 

When everything is unfamiliar, where do you start? How do you know which trip report is similar to yours? That couple likes museums. This other family likes fine dining. Those people aren't like me at all. This person seems similar to me, but they aren't active like I am. The only path that made sense to me was to block it ALL out and focus on the travel agent's advice - the professional - the doctor. So that's what I did. But, I also think that is part of the reason I was unprepared for this first round of chemo. It kicked my ass.

Doctors are great at telling you the facts:

• Fatigue. 
• "We're pretty good at controlling the nausea and vomiting."
• Bone pain. 
• Ringing in the ears. 
• Hair loss. 
• Aches.
• Mouth sores.
• Constipation. AND Diarrhea.
• Shortness of breath.
• And a million more, most of which are so bizarre I can't even explain.

But, there's different ways to handle each of these facts. Sometimes you can get there faster with the subway, but the view from the bus can't be beat. That's what I was missing from round one. I hadn't learned anything yet about how others navigate this never ending list of symptoms. 

Each day I wake up with a new combo of symptoms. Today's were no where near as bad as last week, but it's a challenge regardless. Today I was served STIFF muscles. Just all over stiff. My nightstand and floor beside my side of the bed have become a toolkit. I've got heating pads, massagers, all the meds, water, Gatorade, remotes - all of it. Today I tried the heating pad and foam rolling and was mostly successful. But after an hour or so of working from my laptop, I'm stiff all over again and need to take a walk or do another stretch. Other days feels like I'm chasing one symptom after another. The solution for one causes another issue. And so on and so on. 

But, I'm here. I'm trudging through it. It's just 56 days total. I can do that. During Peloton classes when I feel like letting go in the middle of a big push, I constantly tell myself "come on. It's literally 30 more seconds. You can do anything for 30 seconds." 

Today is day 10. I can do anything for 46 more days.

I haven't lost my hair yet. Now that I'm starting to do some reading and planning, it looks like that may come next week. I've already purchased a fabulous wig. 

I'm most immune compromised right now - this latter part of week 2. I am doing my best to just stay home and stay well. Laney already brought home a stomach bug last weekend and I think we are in the clear where I can officially say that no one else got it. 

John. Is. Amazing. I cried multiple times last week because I was feeling so awful. This week I've felt a bit better, but I've cried when I've stopped to think about how well I did in picking a husband. He never stops doing and working under normal circumstances, but he's kicked it into this level of overdrive that I am honestly shocked exists. He's done it all. When Laney had the stomach bug last weekend, he handled it all. He's gotten the girls up, ready and on the bus every day. He's still working full time. He's supportive and kind and he loves me. I knew it, but now I know it. 

Friends, family and neighbors are amazing. They aren't even being mean when I take 8 days to respond to them. They keep bringing over these amazing meals that honestly make me feel really insecure about my own cooking. 

That's where I am at. I've got to repeat this same stupid trip again in 5 more days and they told me that it's likely I'll have similar symptoms for each round. I don't want to go, but I'm gonna do it. It's going to be better than the last time because I'm a little more knowledgeable and prepared. But the level of suck can't be disputed.

You know what else can't be disputed? The level of awesome of all of you. I've never felt more supported or loved. I don't feel like I can adequately thank everyone for helping us get through this. But, thank you. We love you.