Wednesday, April 10, 2013

You're invited...

...but not you. & you, but not you. And don't bring your snotty kids, either.

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This morning on the radio the topic being discussed was a newish trend with weddings called "No ring, no bring" or something like that. Basically, if you aren't engaged or married to your significant other (therefore, there would be no ring), I'm not paying for a 'plus one' to come to my wedding. As with everything, there are strong opinions on both sides of this fence.

Since my budget wedding post is by FAR the most popular post I've ever written, I figure I would give my opinion on this wedding topic also. As I say in that post, when it came to my wedding, I did not stray from my usual cheap-ness. I made it pretty (or so I thought so at least) and fun, but I reeled in the costs where I could. And one way I did that was by limiting the guest list. Weeee-oooo weeee-oooo! The wedding etiquette police are sure to come after me now.

Basically, I didn't allow plus ones just for the sake of having a plus one. I didn't exactly use the no ring, no bring rule (which didn't exist 4 years ago as far as I knew), but I did consider the source when it came to whether or not one of my guests got to bring a date. Obviously, married couples got to bring their spouse. And engaged couples too. And then when it came to my single friends, those that were in serious relationships got to bring their significant other as well. But my single friends? I didn't give them the option of bringing a date, AS LONG AS there were plenty of other friends at the wedding that they knew. So basically, it was a case by case basis.

For example, several of our friends at the time were single with no girlfriend/boyfriend at all. They were also all friends themselves so I had no qualms about putting all of them at a table together and knowing they'd still have a good time. But, I had one friend that didn't really know many other wedding guests, and she was single at the time. I gave her a +1 because I didn't want her to sit by herself all night.

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Lots of single friends in this picture. They look pretty happy even without a +1, no?

The big question about this topic is this: how do you let all of your wedding guests know about this on the actual invitation? Easy. Fill in the RSVP card for them. Where my RSVP card said "We have reserved ___ seats in your honor" that ____ was already filled in. I know some people still think that's rude, but I am okay with that. You have to pick your battles when it comes to reeling in the wedding budget. I picked this one.

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Not my RSVP cards. But the basic idea.


And then, because I like to make things hard on myself I decided to pick one more battle with my guests. I didn't want anybody to bring their kids to our wedding either unless A) they were in the womb or B) they were in the wedding. I was of the "eww kids" camp before I had children myself. And I still think I straddle this line even though I do have a child myself which I obviously feel in no way "eww" about. I wanted an adults only reception where my friends could drink and be merry and not have to worry if some of their spoken merriment is overheard by little Suzie "dancing" on the dance floor. This wish was also passed on to the guest by already having the RSVP card filled in for them. For example, a family of four got an invitation and the RSVP card said "2" were invited. Pretty obvious, no? And again, I am very well aware that many people think that is rude. I welcome you to tell me if  you like. I assure you it won't change my practices for my next wedding. Wait, what?


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So what's your opinion on this? Do you think it's rude? Did you do the same? Are any of my wedding guests still holding a grudge with me over it? Please, chime in! Let's discuss!

14 comments:

Diana said...

Your wedding, your rules. People will choose not to come if they don't like it, and you have to be prepared for that kind of reaction.

Trisha Newman said...

I threw around the idea of no kids at my wedding but got the stink eye from my MIL, because my in-laws are very very VERY family oriented. Their family tree is much larger than mine so it would have been a nice way to cut back on the budget, but it wasn't an option... I definitely would have done several things differently and stood up more for MY wants if I were to do it over again.

Alison Garen said...

We budgeted for everyone to bring a date. I felt like it was treating my single friends in their 30s like they were lesser guests because they weren't in a long term relationship. None of them brought random dates, but I know they appreciated the option.

TiffyDun said...

Love this post but I love all of your posts. LOL I learned a saying from one of my co-workers that seems very fitting for this topic "If you ain't paying, you ain't saying."

The Beane's said...

I did the same for my wedding regarding bringing a date. Totally agree. As far as kids I married into a large family... I had at least 10 nieces and nephews at the time (now I have 15) not to mention cousins with kids... So I definitely had kids at my wedding. I also had it mid afternoon so it was less formal, all of our friends went out afterwards to get their "real" party on :)
But I agree with the above post, your wedding your rules.

Hunter and his family... said...

Ha...I wouldn't hold a grudge with you. My wedding was on a budget too and I noted on my invitations: "adult reception only" and we had a destination wedding. So our friends that we knew who were truly our friends would make it without the kids. As far as our single friends, we just so happen to luck out with all of them already being married or in a serious relationship. You have to put your foot down. Hey you're the one who is footing the bill, right? Your friends will go if they truly love you guys regardless of the rules. Great Post! Love it!

Heather said...

Our wedding was super small with only our parents and siblings so it was cheap and to the point. DONE.

But I do think people can host whatever type of wedding they'd like and no one can be offended. Have tons of kids. Invite adults only. Limit +1's or don't. Once you get married and understand just how much it takes to pull it all together, it's easy to sympathize with people who are doing the same thing.

Kara Keenan said...

I cut down my guest list in the very same way you did. But, I got married at 22, and was really the only person amongst my friends who was in a long term relationship at that time. I still had about 150 people at my wedding (compare this to my sister, who got married 8 years later and had over 300 at her wedding). I had kids at my wedding, but I do enjoy a wedding without my children. My wedding was an informal afternoon shindig, so kids were there running around and it didn't disrupt anything. But believe me, if given the choice, I'd rather leave my kids with a sitter than take them to a wedding. I have more fun without them being there.

Not Insane...Promise! said...

I wanted to do the same thing for our wedding and ordered reply cards where I filled in the numbers. Unfortunately, my fiancé vetoed me on that one and so there are multiple cousins and friends coming with a +1 that I don't know and he doesn't know and we will likely never see again. I feel like people feel that they HAVE to bring a guest unless they are immediate family because they think they'll be "that person" who couldn't get a date. You did it right, for sure.

Sarah said...

What a great idea for the RSVP card! We didn't do kids either and even provided a nursery for them if they'd like to be watched during the ceremony. Guess WHAT though? A distant relative refused to take her kid there and now you can hear that kid say something in our wedding video DURING OUR VOWS! ugh.

Marettie said...

We didn't have RSVPS for my wedding reception (gasp!) I did address the envelopes to just the adults and only included "and family" on certain close relatives. I had the same beliefs as you in that I wanted us to all have a merry time and not have to shun anyone's eyes.

Haley said...

Ha definitely no grudge here! We had a "adult reception" which basically means... adult only ceremony & reception! The guest part is a little trickier though. I personally couldn't be that blunt but I support the idea of it! You have to do what you feel it best, and if that helps you cut back the bills, then by all means :)

Laura Diniwilk said...

We had a teeny tiny wedding, but if I had a big wedding I would have invited everyone, kids too. We have a big family and it wouldn't be the same without the little people on the dance floor. Most of my friends are from different circles so that wouldn't have worked either. But it sounds like it worked out well for your situation where everyone already knows each other. Looks like a fun group :)

Garima Pal said...

grt