Thursday, March 4, 2010

Mock Me Later

Just cause I'm always a good sport for some friendly mocking, I'm going to go ahead and share the list of things I will never do when I'm a parent. Feel free to come back and reference the list when I am a parent and mock me; "You said right here on March 4th, 2010 that you would NEVER blah blah blah. I told you so!"

I have an unrealistic list of things that I would never do if that was my kid, and since I'm such a fan of the List, I thought I'd put them in list form.

And these aren't meant to offend any current parents. I'm just a naive, clueless, non-parent that I'm sure is in for a rude awakening. So, mock away; I give you permission.
1. This one is the most important: I will NEVER, and I mean NEVER own a mini-van. UNLESS, I have septuplets or something that simply cannot fit in any other vehicle. Mark. my. words.

2. My kids will never sleep in the bed with me. Cats are welcome; children get out!

3. I don't see myself ever getting over my hatred of all things sticky. If my baby just ate a sucker and the majority of it is on their hands, cheeks, lips and nose, I will not welcome a kiss or a hand-hold. Sticky is icky.

4. "You don't know what love is until you lay eyes on your baby." How could I possibly love another human being more than I already love myself?

5. Strollers are too much trouble. Too big, bulky, don't fit down the aisles of my favorite Juniors' departments. (Just kidding on that last one; although I stayed in Juniors for as long as I could, I did finally find my way to the ladies department). After my kid is able to walk really well, they will be walking. Really well.

6. There will be no car-pool line for this Mama. I gotta stay at home and save gas because my non-minivan (a.k.a. SUV) is not so fuel efficient. Those kiddies will be on the big yellow cheese wagon!

7. Birthday parties will just be with the family. Cake, ice cream, singing happy birthday and presents. I was always perfectly happy with this option, why won't my kids be??

8. Showers and bathroom breaks are private time. No kids allowed. This one sounds so obvious when written out that there really shouldn't be any question about it!

9. My facebook profile picture will always at least have me in it. There will never be any confusion when my status says: "I am as drunk as a skunk", and the picture beside it shows a drooling, toothless babyface. Something is just not right about that.

10. And finally, there will never be any "kids music" in my car. They can grow up listening to what I like, no need to tone it down for them. By the age of 4, they will have their head-bob mastered for when I'm listening to rap, their head-banging mastered for when I'm in a rock mood, and their feet will be tapping (but not on the back of my seat!) for when I'm in a country mood.

Don't tell me I shouldn't have kids. It will hurt my feelings! Instead, I'll allow you to place bets in the comment section about which rules I will break first. And, go!


Christy said...

I am printing this out now! I can't wait for you to have a child!
1. Prepare for doors opening into other cars, or park far away from the store.
2. You must not value sleep all that much, because trust me, there will be a night when your child is sick or otherwise and you will throw them in to your bed just to get some sleep.
3. I agree with the sticky, YUCK!
4. Seriously?
5. Start pumping iron now and find a good child leash, because those little ones are runners!
6. If the bus thing is okay with you, go for it.
7. Birthdays will be cheaper at your house.
8. Lock up those little ones before you take that private time. It's amazing what they can get into very quickly.
9. Yes, the picture should match the status :-)
10. I'll just say "Do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro...." I think you get my drift.

But who knows...maybe....

Joy said...

Ok, LOL at you and Christy! That was hilarious! I think I may print this out too because I am CERTAIN I felt the same way 6 years ago when I was still driving a 2 seater little car :-) I said NEVER!! I know you don't believe it now but you will most certainly break about 90 % of those!! I bet a grand on it! LOL!! I think I have broken them all so far!! Hee Hee!!

Chris said...

I helped both of your sisters get their minivan. Your day will come too. I'm a very patient man.

Betsy McK said...

So funny! I just have to say, we were all better mothers before we had children! I agree you will break 75-90% of "your" rules. First rule to go is NO sleep!

Bright said...

I had a friend who was a new mother once tell me that all the weight she had gained was because she had to eat a lot of words. Beware!